Parental Olympics – Top 10 List of Events at Which I Would Either Win, Lose or be Disqualified

by Whatever Girl on February 17, 2010 · 4 comments

10. Women’s 60minute Monday Morning Sprint out the Door in which a woman must get herself, and a minimum of two kids and one partner ready and out the door within 60 minutes of waking up. Required items: 4 showers, hair blow-dry and straighten, 4 hot breakfasts, 3 lunches (may be prepared the night before), locate 2 lost items one of which must be either keys, wallet or homework, and unload one dishwasher.  My result: DQ after driving away with a violin on top of the car.

9. Men’s Solo 2minute Lost Item Location: Men must locate a missing item ON THEIR OWN, in a house, with a woman following them around impatiently sighing every 20 seconds and looking at her watch every 30 seconds. This event has always been dominated by the Buddhist countries owing to the fact that they have minimal possessions to start with. Result in our house: 64th out of 30. I can’t explain it either.

8. 5 under 8. In which a mother or father must get 5 children under the age of 8 ready to attend a ski lesson. The parent must have slept in due to a late night and has exactly 45 minutes to get the children up, dressed, fed, clothed and at the ski school. They then have an additional 15 minutes to rent all the kids boots, skis, and get each child ready wearing his or her OWN mittens, goggles and helmet. Points are docked if an item of clothing/equipment is left at home and must be rented at the ski school, or requires a special trip back to the chalet. Special Note: There is an additional requirement within this event – the parent is allowed only 2 minutes per hand/per child for putting on gloves and is disqualified if they take longer. Bribery is not permitted.  My result: Disqualified. See Special Note.

7. Women’s 4hr Shoe Purchase for a child under the age of 14 and with Shoe size of 11 or above. In which a mother must locate and purchase a pair of shoes that fit her son’s enormous feet. She must visit no fewer than 4 stores and those stores must be spread across town. She must do this on a Sunday afternoon as said shoes must be required for an event the very next morning. She must have no advance knowledge of this event but it must be of such immense importance in the son’s life that indeed his life will no longer be worth living if he does not have said pair of shoes. Mother must be told at outset that the shoes do not have to be expensive, or any particular brand. This statement must then be shown to be false after the first 60 minutes are up. My result: Gold.

6. Pairs Teenager Wake-Up Attempt: In which either a mother or father, or both, must successfully get a teenage child (between 13 and 18) awake, vertical, and standing on his or her own for at least 2 minutes. Parents are not allowed physically to support the child. Any method of waking is allowed but it must not harm the child. Use of cold water is acceptable. Jumping on the bed is also allowed. Yelling ‘FIRE!’ or pretending that someone, like the Teacher Librarian from your son’s school, is at the door for your son, is also allowed. Our Result: Gold!

5. Men’s 10 minute School Lunch Make: in which a father must prepare two school lunches at 11pm at night, using food found in the fridge and cupboard. Food choices must be nutritionally sound. Fathers may ask their spouse only 2 questions regarding the whereabouts or appropriateness of certain food items. Fathers are immediately disqualified if they cannot find the butter. Disqualification will also occur if the lunch is packed in a receptacle that would be considered embarrassing for the child. EG, a garbage bag. Also, sending water in a travel mug is not acceptable either. Result at our house: Disqualified

4. Spousal Late-Night Debate. Topic: Who Contributes More to the Family. Must be carried out after 11pm and last no less than 60 minutes. Points are awarded at random and with no real pattern or system. Note: this event is unique in that each spouse thinks that he or she has won. Judges typically allow this misconception to go uncorrected. My result: Well clearly this debate wouldn’t even have HAPPENED if I wasn’t here to organize it so I don’t even think we need to DISCUSS who is the winner here.

3. Children’s 4month Hamster Convince: in which a parent must successfully resist the attempts of a child under the age of 10 to convince said parent that the child is somehow entitled to a hamster, or other such small furry rodent. Children may play all their cards including deep sadness, nostalgia, reminiscing about the parent’s own childhood pets, parental guilt, tears, anger, preparing full reports with powerpoint presentations and covering such topics as natural habitat, nutrition, cage requirements, handling, etc. Starting a Facebook group called “So and So’s Parents Should Suck it up Already and Just Get Her a Hamster What’s The Freakin’ Problem.” Result at our house: Pending

2. Women’s 60min. Bathing Suit Shop. In which a woman must successfully purchase a bathing suit which a) does not result in muffin top b) does not cause the femoral artery to be restricted c) does not cause spouse to recoil in horror d) does not bring to mind such words as ‘Freighter, ‘Hippo’ or ‘plastic surgery’ and e) does not cause the saleswoman to say “Why don’t you just pop this robe on, put this bag over your head and stand over here behind this lead door while I get you something different…”. My Result: 64th in the qualification round

And the #1 event at the Parental Olympics..

1. Pairs Intimacy Attempt. At this very popular but sometimes frustrating event, a couple must attempt to be intimate on a Sunday morning while the kids mill about the house. There is no limit to the number of children or their ages, but at least one of the children must have invited a friend over. Also, one of the children must want to watch a movie and the dvd player must not work requiring no less than 4 interruptions to the parents. Points are awarded based on how effective or ineffective their answers are to the children. For example, if Johnny can’t find the power cable for the portable dvd, a parent who shouts “LOOK HARDER” through the door, will be docked points whereas a parent who suggests “LOOK DOWN THE STREET UNDERNEATH THAT REALLY BIG ROCK BESIDE SO AND SO’S HOUSE” will be awarded a bonus. Parents who effectively teach their children how to make French Toast through the bedroom door will also be awarded bonus points. My result: well I’m not going to tell you that now am I 🙂

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Eleanor February 18, 2010 at 11:57 am

This is brilliant! I love it especially #1 and I also can’t believe that you drove away with a violin on the roof (mind you I once drove away with an expensive SLR on my roof and I didn’t have the excuse of kids to distract me at the time).
I’d like to add one of my own….
Food Dodge: When a mum tries to administer food pieces to a feisty 1year-old who is thowing the food at her. The aim is to get food into the target- mouth- which has an added advantage of having new sharp teeth in it. Points are deducted for being bitten with said teeth and points are deducted for each food item that hits, and stains mum’s work clothes for the meeting you she is meant to be attending in 30minutes.

sandy February 19, 2010 at 6:19 pm

luv this one!!!

Alison February 20, 2010 at 4:56 pm

Brilliant!!!! love love love this post… thanks for the good laugh 😀

Jane Potter February 20, 2010 at 5:28 pm

Thanks, Ladies. Glad to provide a laugh or two 🙂

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